A Darling Thanksgiving (revised 2003.12.18)
Note:
CEIA belongs to Thunder Pictures and Nickelodeon. Other trademarks are the property of their owners. The rest is my original work, and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike license. Just don't sue me, mm'kay?
A word of warning:
This story contains some disaster-style violence and swearing, plus insinuations of drug use (beer) and the occasional scatological reference. Not too nasty...
Part 1: The In Thang
POV: Clarissa Darling
Setting: The Darling house, 1:30pm
Thanksgiving is upon us! One of many days in the year here that something goes really wrong. Last Thanksgiving, the turkey turned out burnt to a crisp. Apparently Fergwad messed with the oven knob so that the turkey would burn up and force us to go out for Thanksgiving dinner.
And it worked: we went to the local buffet. It was nice, except for the spitballs from the table next to us, and that asshat at the one table talking loudly about the crap she took that day. Listen up, folks: I don't want to hear about your big "productions" when I'm eating! That's just sick.
But anyway, Dad bought a turkey fryer yesterday, the last one at the Do-It Center. It's supposed to cook the turkey a lot faster. Then again, it's a big vat of hot oil. Someone's bound to get hurt.
[Ferguson: If there's enough ice in the turkey, it might blow up! Heh heh.]
{to Ferg: I sure hope not!} We never had to worry about the turkey exploding in the oven. Personally, I think this whole deep-frying business is a load of crap. Next thing you'll know, we'll have deep-fried mashed potatoes and deep-fried cranberry sauce! Ugh. The turkey, the deep frying apparently reduces the fat content, but the rest, yeah right. Take two Xenical and call 'em in the morning with oily diarrhea. It's gotta stop, folks! This sick obsession with deep-frying has got to stop!
[Janet: He's getting the turkey ready!]
This is where I get off the soapbox. I've got to see Dad make an ass of himself with that turkey fryer. Heh.
Part 2: Should Be Interesting
POV: Morgan
Setting: In the "radio shack", 1:33
Turkey fryers. A pot of boiling oil, a propane tank, and one big turkey getting cooked like nothing's ever been cooked before. Okay, lots of stuff has been deep-fried, but not of this scale in the average backyard. Just a moment ago, sis and Vokimis told me that Marshall Darling is frying his turkey this year. Needless to say, I saw the perfect opportunity to do a little show about it, in the hope that something goes wrong.
Today we'll be on location via the trusty MicroTAC. And I've bought enough minutes to cover even the biggest of grease fires! So once I get this former answering machine up and running, off I go, hopefully before hilarity and/or burnination ensue. [plugs the hacked-up mess into the phone jack and the transmitter] The intro's been recorded, the assembly is cocked and ready to go, and I am out of here! To the Freakmobile! [heads to his '80 Subaru]
Setting: In front of the Darling house, hiding in the bushes, 1:34
And here he is, Marshall Darling, king of the turkey fryer. In his garage. What a dumbass! Hilarity will ensue. I guarantee it. [dials up the feed receiver, but gets a busy signal, so he dials the other line]
{to Ampara: Are you online?}
[Ampara: Just got on.]
{Can you get off? You're blocking my remote feed and Marshall's messing with his turkey fryer.}
[Sure, I'll be over with Wolf. Should I bring popcorn?]
{Marshall's already fumbling with the propane thing. But if you want, bring popcorn.]
{'Kay, bye.}
[Morgan dials the feed line] Got that up. Right now, I think I have at least fifty listeners to my pirate AM station, just waiting for burnination to ensue.
POV: Nemo
Setting: In some more bushes with Vokimis, 1:35
What kind of moron fries turkeys in his garage?! This guy's bound to end up in the burn center. He's got it lit, and now he puts the oil in?!! Jeez, put this guy on Fark with the Dumbass Tag.
But with all those gas cans and stuff, this should be one hell of a show. And I can take up to 360 pictures of it. [takes out his camera] Bring it on, dumbass.
[Vokimis: Here comes the turkey.] Lowering it in, no, plopping it in like a big retard. Guy's gonna burn his garage down. [Vokimis: Dude, you see that? The oil splashed into his trash can!] Damn, already he's got a fire!
[Janet: Oh dear, the trash is on fire!]
[Ferguson: Here, I'll put that out with my jacket.]
Oh, wait, that's under control. Now it looks like they might be going back to prepare the rest of their dinner. Don't you just love stupid people?
POV: Vokimis
So he lit his trash ablaze. Little stuff, I say. The real fun is coming like a big farkin' train. Whoo-whoo! Once they go back in, they won't see the turkey fryer as it boils over. And since there's a propane burner under that POS, the oil will catch fire and turn the whole garage into the Darlings' personal Hell.
[Marshall: Let's go back in.]
[Ferguson: If you leave that going, all hell can break loose!]
[Janet: He's right, Marshall.]
[Marshall: I'm just going for a beer, that's all. I'll be back to tend to it.]
[Clarissa: A beer? With that fryer frying?! Didn't it say "Operator must remain completely sober" in the manual?]
And, did I just see that? They've left the fryer to its own devices. Burn, baby, burn! Dumbass Inferno! I crack myself up!
[Nemo: At least it's not an attached garage.]
{to Nemo: But we'll still have a show, heh heh heh!} A big show. Whoa, wait a sec here! The damn oil's starting to boil over!
Part 3: Laid to Burnination
POV: Ampara
Setting: Behind the bushes as the burnination starts ensuing
This is how it goes: Marshall Darling decides to fry his turkey, then sets the fryer up in his garage, and to top it off, he leaves it unattended. Just begging to feel the burn. And right about now, the pot's boiling over and it's on fire.
[Dave: The fryer has caught fire! As I speak, burning oil covers the floor in a bed of flame, rising up beyond belief! Oh, the humanity! Gas can just exploded, and now the lawn mower's on fire too. BAM! Explosarity as the lawn mower explodes!]
This is bad. Really bad. Whole lotta stuff, just burning and exploding like I've never seen before! Another gas can! Unreal. [Nemo: What a dumbass!] [Huge explosion] Holy freaking crap, there went something big! Total flamage. There it is, the Turkey Torch. I hope Marshall likes his turkey well-done, garnished with the Fark Dumbass Tag.
POV: Ferguson
Setting: Safely away from the burning garage, 1:45
Just like last year. In his usual fashion, Dad has screwed up Thanksgiving really big. Except this time, now our garage is burning down and Dad's hosing the side of the house to keep it from catching fire.
I was never really a fan of the turkey fryer for this reason. A very primitive device without a thermostat, and ready to tip over at the slightest provocation. Around three gallons of flammable oil, with a gas burner right underneath. And a father who doesn't understand the meaning of "DO NOT LEAVE UNATTENDED". God, I love my family. [Clarissa: Shut up, Ferg-breath!] See what I mean?
Part 4: Aftermath
POV: Nemo
Setting: Right outside as the firefighters pull the turkey fryer out of the rubble of the Darling garage, 2:30
Nothin' says lovin' like a thoroughly roasted turkey. [Firefighter: No doubt this is the cause of the fire.] I never could understand how someone could be so stupid as to fry a turkey in his garage and then leave it all alone just to get a beer. And so now this guy's out a ton of money to replace everything he burninated in his quest to be the stupidest man alive.
It's a good thing no one got killed in this mess. I hope Mr. Turkey Boy learned his lesson and leaves the turkey to a competent turkey cook next year.
POV: Wolf
Today I got to see Marshall Darling burn his garage down. I'll put a small bet on him trying this same crap for Christmas, only he'll be pissed-up and cooking the turkey within range of his house. That would rock, a Yuletide bonfire, heh heh. Maybe not; after all, where would they live after that?
I should tell him about Vokimis' cousin Hugo. That ol' SOB can fry a turkey and manage not to set anything on fire! Of course, I think Proud Marshall will start another fiasco anyway, since he seems hell-bent on--
[Marshall: Screw it, I'm calling that Hugo guy in Lawton.]
So I was wrong. Whatever.
The End
